I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
