Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
