My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
