If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
