Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
