I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
