I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
