just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
