I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
