My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
