Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
