and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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