If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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