just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
