He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
