the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
