Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
