i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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