Is it normal to miss your booty call?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
