Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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