Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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