I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
