He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
