I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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