Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
