my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
