4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
