that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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