I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
