As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the day after is always just damage control
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
