Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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