I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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