I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
