The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
