I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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