I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
