My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
