i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
