Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
