Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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