I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize