...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
