its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
