he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
