just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
