all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
