i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize