I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I deserve this hangover.
where are my eyebrows?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
