Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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