can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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