things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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