Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize