did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Two words: blizzard sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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