I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
