I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
