Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
