About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
