You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
