She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
