im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
