I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
