You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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