If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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