wanna go halves on a baby?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize