i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
