if i can run in heels then i can drive
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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