just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
