I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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