I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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