i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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