Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
