I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
